I stood there on Brighton seafront, fear coursing through my veins and tears streaming down my face. It was night time, it was dark and I was surrounded by a huge crowd of people, jostling and pushing.
I was 3 years old and I was TERRIFIED! Much to my parent’s chagrin.
I can imagine how frustrating it must have been for them. They took me out for an evening to see the fireworks – An outing that was supposed to be a treat – And there I was carrying on and bawling my eyes out.
By all accounts I simply wouldn’t calm down!
I also vividly remember how it felt to be ‘little me’ in that situation. I can remember the fear, just wanting to leave and hide, how overwhelming the crowd felt to me.
Today I know that I’m naturally an introvert.
Sure I can be confident when I need to, like when I’m leading some training to a room full of people. But generally I prefer my own company and I re-charge my batteries through time alone.
And I still don’t like crowds.
That night on the beach all that time ago I remember trying to tell my parents that I felt scared, but all that came out was a kind of howling, screeching noise!
Probably very embarrassing for them.
Eventually, at his wits end, my stepdad said “If you carry on screaming I’ll take your pants down and smack your bottom in front of all of these people.”
Now SHAME was added to the potent mix of emotions I was feeling. It all felt so wrong, but what could I do, I was just three years old!
I wanted to speak up for myself and at that age, and in that state, I simply didn’t have the words.
That was one of the first times that I learnt to be a ‘good, quiet girl’ – Not to make too much noise. I learned that people didn’t appreciate my voice.
‘Not being heard’ (or seen) was a story I carried with me into adulthood. I can remember being a very awkward teen and mostly just wanting to hide from the world. I consistently felt ‘not good enough’ and that the good things in life ‘weren’t for me’.
The earliest memory I have was of screaming in my cot when I was a baby, standing up in the dark in my room, holding on the the edge of the cot, but no-one came.
In that moment I made an unconscious assumption – That I could YELL and no-one cared. And that meant that no-one would want to hear me express myself.
You probably made unconscious assumptions when you were a child too, that formed ‘stories’ which could be affecting you to this day.
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have a bad childhood. It’s just very interesting how we can give SIGNIFICANT meaning to events without even realising it – And that can affect EVERYTHING in our adult lives, from who we marry and what goals we set ourselves, to how successful we are in our businesses and careers.
As I went through life society taught me NOT to speak my truth, to be ‘polite’ instead.
There were many times when I was SHAMED for speaking up (I’m sure you’ve experienced this too) – I remember a boyfriend once saying “If someone says it’s white you ALWAYS have to say it’s black – You’re too much, you’re so argumentative and irritating!“
And I believed him.
I can remember feeling so embarrassed- Here was the PROOF that there was something wrong with me, like I’d always suspected. That I was ‘too much’, that people wouldn’t love me if I was really myself.
So I stopped bothering to say what I meant. No one listened and no-one cared. And if I did speak up it just pissed them off, so what was the point?
I became very guarded. I thought I was somehow ‘bad’ and that what I had to say was not important. For a time I even ‘hushed’ myself up, especially around men, trying to be a ‘good girl’ that wouldn’t upset anyone, so they’d love me.
As you already know that strategy doesn’t work!!
Then I got ANGRY – Furious in fact. I now hold a belief that it’s offensive to our souls when we try to quiet our true voice.
Can you relate?
Recently I’ve had the privilege of being around so many strong women, who are brave enough to speak their truths! And it encouraged me to find my own voice again.
A mentor recently guided me to go back to that moment on the beach and to say to my stepdad what I couldn’t say when I was 3. This exercise was powerful!
For several years now I have been re-learning to connect with my own true voice and speak my truth aloud.
It hasn’t always gone smoothly.
They say it’s awkward before it’s elegant and that’s certainly been my experience. Sometimes I’ve upset people unintentionally, and sometimes I’ve been triggered into old patterns of withdrawing and not speaking up…
However if I have upset someone I can apologise.
When I notice myself shutting down or not speaking my truth, I catch myself and change it, quickly – I aim to speak up from a place of love and to choose my words (and timings) wisely.
Finding your true voice and speaking up takes courage and practice.
In my opinion the rewards are worth it. It’s part of your ‘hero’s journey’ here on this earth to find and speak your own true voice.
There is a line in the book ‘Women That Run With The Wolves’ which says “you have to howl so that your tribe can find you“. I believe this to be true.
Today I help women entrepreneurs to find their own true voice, and speak it in a powerful way through their copy. I help them to howl!
I’d like to encourage you to howl too lovely, because your voice is needed – Please don’t ever think it’s not!
There is something you are here to do, something you are here to say, that only you can. There is a message that someone out there needs.
With Love
Julie. X
PS – If you’d like some more help to re-discover your true voice, craft your content & marketing message and share it with your peeps CONTACT ME now.